The Return of the Sue Hunters
by Pottersgal15
Summary: Jake and Annie are back! With strange goings on in the worlds of canon, it's up to our heroes to find out who or what is behind it! But can they succeed? Rated T for some swearing
1. 1 Guess Who's Back

I just couldn't stay away. Harry Potter and South Park are not mine, so enjoy!

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a dark and foreboding land, far from human eyes. It was covered in a ring of black, craggy mountains with sharp and wicked points, and the earth that covered the ground was dead and sparse. No trees grew, but here and there a twisted and blckened skeleton of a tree would loom up out of the landscape, its gnarled and withered branches stretching up to the sky as though it were begging to be carried away from this awful place.

The ring of mountains surrounded a tall, black, imposing castle, covered in spiky turrets and long, thin towers that made the onlooker think quite vividly of Transylvania, Castle Dracula and other things associated with scary landscapes and castles. These things were mainly things with sharp pointy teeth, but we won't go into that.

But if we made our onlooker step inside the castle, things would start to look very different.

When you enter the hallway, the first thing you see is a set of porcelain ducks on the wall. The wallpaper is white and patterned with small raised flowers, and there is a litterbin packed with empty crisp packets. All of them are cheese flavoured.

If you go up the staircase, lined with strange pictures of places that have only ever been imagined, and took a few right turns after going down some more corridors, you would find the Nerd King. This is his kingdom, and the Nerd King is very, very bored.

He leaned back in his chair with a sigh. It was now September. Months had passed since Annie was rescued from the evil clutches of Lord Bitchiwitch, and in all that time, nothing interesting had happened.

Nothing.

The Nerd King pinched the bridge of his nose and screwed up his eyes. He had kept the surveillance on Jake Evans because he thought his life would be interesting. After all, he was a Stu, and trouble followed them around like fangirls follow Orlando Bloom. But it seemed Annie's personality training was too good. Jake seemed to be living a normal life. And nothing had happened between him and Annie. The most interesting thing that had happened in all that time was that Byron kid. He was now officially a Sue Hunter, and had taken the name Brian.

The Nerd King was finding life very dull at the moment. And to top it all off, he had no crisps left.

But for the Nerd King, life was about to get a lot worse.

Something cold and hard pressed into the back of the Nerd King's neck and a voice said "One wrong move, Your Majesty, and you're dead."

The Nerd King gulped.

* * *

It was September, and for Annie, it was her first day back at school. She was now a Year 11, and as her stepmother drove her to her school, and Carrie to her college, a cold, creeping sensation of dread curled around the pit of her stomach.

GCSE year.

Oh God.

As Annie climbed the stairs to her classroom, she began to get more and more nervous. However, this would not just be because of the impending exams. It would be the first time she had seen Jake since the end of school in July. Like all Stus, apart from the tragically impoverished ones, Jake had vast reserves of cash tucked safely away in a bank account somewhere. This meant that he spent every summer somewhere extremely far away and expensive, like Tahiti or Atlantis. Annie hadn't seen him for two months now.

She pushed open the classroom door.

Chaos was reigning, but that was normal. Annie dodged her way around the students, most of them throwing bits of paper at each other, to find her place in the front row, where her best friends were sitting. There were three of them: Ishmael - a redheaded boy with unfortunate teeth; Simon - a blond boy with greasy hair and zits; and Odette - a thin, pinched-looking girl who was the exact opposite of the princess she was named after. All of them wore glasses and spent their breaktimes mouthing off Mary Sues and discussing computers.

Annie loved them to bits.

Jake was at the back of the classroom. Annie didn't look at him. She was too embarrassed. So she kept her back to him and tried to pretend he wasn't there.

"Hey guys." said Annie, dumping her too-heavy bag onto her desk. "Good summer?"

"No," muttered Simon, "Mum cancelled my subscription to _Super Hot Anime Babes Monthly_."

_At last_, thought Annie. However, out loud she said "She did? But that means so much to you!"

"I know. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Oh Simon. There are other anime porn magazines. It'll be OK."

"Annie!" said Ishmael excitedly. "SuperKawaiiNekoChan34 and I - well, we're..."

Ishmael broke off as Annie felt someone tap her on the shoulder. She turned around.

Jake's superhuman beauty hit her like a ton of bricks. She had forgotten just how amazingly gorgeous he was. Over the summer he'd grown another inch, and his muscles were more defined than she remembered, but apart from that he hadn't changed. His hair still fell into his eyes in the same old way, his eyes still sparkled and his skin still shone. Not because it was greasy, you understand, because it was clear, smooth and unblemished. Unfortunately for Annie, his ability to keep her staring had not changed either - it was still as strong as ever.

Annie realised that he'd been talking to her.

"Um...I d-didn't catch that."

Jake grinned. Annie's heart skipped a beat.

"I'm going to need your help with Physics this year. I screwed up really bad in the summer exams. The teacher said if I don't get a tutor I'll completely fail my GCSE, and that'd suck."

"Well...who did she r-recommend?"

"You."

"Oh." said Annie, blushing.

"So...today after school? In the library?"

"Um, OK."

"Great!" grinned Jake, as he turned to leave. "It's a date!"

Annie went scarlet.

"Bastard." muttered Simon.

* * *

However, before Annie and Jake could so much as open a textbook, their wristwtches began to beep once more. Annie grinned, and the pair of them both ran off to the girls' toilets.

To find them completely packed.

Faces still burning with embarrassment, they settled for behind the changing rooms instead.

One flash of light later, Annie and Jake were in the bushes beside Hogwarts (which Dumbledore had planted at their request) dressed once again in the black jumpsuits.

"I swear these things get tighter every year." muttered Annie. Jake didn't answer. He was too busy flexing his muscles and admiring their splendour. Annie tried not to notice.

Annie pulled out her handheld computer, and quickly found the information. When she saw it, her eyebrows shot up.

"Have you read this?" she whispered to Jake.

"Hmm?" said Jake, jolting out of his reverie and dragging his gaze away from his biceps.

"I said, have you read this?" said Annie, waving the computer in front of his nose.

"I can't read it if you won't hold it still."

Annie giggled, and then blushed and looked away as Jake caught her gaze.

"K'triina Lobelia Emerealde Erphinxx Necrophilia Evans-Xerxes...the Third? With long, auburn hair cascading down her shoulders like an autumn sunrise and violet orbs that can pierce your very soul? Descended from a forbidden union of a vampire prince and the Queen of Atlantis? And with kickass ninja skills?"

"That's the one."

"Ouch."

"Wait until you see what she does to the castle."

Jake read on, and because he always had trouble with long paragraphs crammed with description, he read it aloud:

"K'triina Lobelia Emerealde Erphinxx Necrophilia Evans-Xerxes the Third stood back with a satisfied smile on her face, admiring her magnificent handiwork. Her piercing violet gazer, that could pierce a man's very soul, roamed over Hogwarts and she tossed her waves of long auburn hair that cascaded down her shoulders like an autumn sunrise over her shoulder."

Jake looked up. "What's a gazer?"

Annie shrugged. Jake continued:

"Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry rose into the sky like a triumphant crown of white crystal, the sort that K'triina Lobelia Emerealde Erphinxx Necrophilia Evans-Xerxes the Third would one day wear when she married her as-yet unknown true love (a/n: ZOMNGZOMNGHJKGFK I NO WHO IT ISSSZZS!!!111!!1!!) Its walls, windows and turrets glittered like the sparkle in K'triina Lobelia Emerealde Erphinxx Necrophilia Evans-Xerxes the Third's eyes, and little fluffy animals like deer and kittens and bunny rabbits (a/n: ZOMG SOOO KAWAIIII!!!1!!!!) wandered out from the forest, drawn by the beauty of the castle and its even more beautiful architect." read Jake.

Annie wrinkled her nose in disgust and said "Do you have to do that funny high-pitched voice for the author's notes?"

"There's no other way to read them."

"True, true."

There was a pause.

Then Jake said "Are you sure we're in the right place?"

Because Hogwarts was not rising up out of the ground like a triumphant crown of white crystal, so tacky that only a Mary Sue would consider wering it at her wedding. Far from it - the castle looked like, well, an ordinary castle. It looked exactly as it always did, and there was not a small, fluffy animal in sight.

Annie pushed a button on her regulation Sue Hunters watch. In HQ, a phone on the boss's desk rang shrilly. "Yes?" he said sharply.

"This is Annie Baines. We've got a problem at Hogwarts."

"Well, what is it?"

"We were sent a description of a major Sue who made serious alterations to the castle, but everything here seems fine."

"Just a minute." said the boss. There came the sounds of several loud banging noises and a few muffled swear words.

"...damn TV...spend a fortune on those surveillance things..." the boss muttered.

"Can you see the castle?" said Annie, turning around and waving to a tree trunk where she knew a secret camera was concealed. The Sue Hunters had had to write several very polite letters to Dumbledore before he had let them put one in the grounds, as he was very reluctant to lift the protection spells. The first few Sues had soon changed his mind.

The boss made several thoughtful noises that made him sound as though he was snoring.

"It must be a troll." he said eventually. "Pull out, we're wasting our time."

From his office, the boss watched Jake and Annie disappear. After judging everything to be all right, and after checking that the coast was clear, he snuck out of his office and down to the cafeteria. Amongst his inner circle, the boss was well known for his peculiar eating habits, and as well as being ashamed of his ugliness, he was ashamed of his terrible cravings for fried chicken sundaes - a combination he copied from South Park. As he took out the fried chicken, maple syrup, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, sprinkles, glace cherries and plain nachos (his own addition to the recipe) from the fridge, the image on the TV in his office began to flicker, and for just a moment, it was possible to see a glittering white castle rising into the sky.

* * *

The Nerd King's eyes were glassy and unfocused. His quill scribbled across a heavy piece of parchment, as the voice told him what to write. The next day, the boss received the letter. This is what it said:

_Dear Sir,_

_In light of the recent events involving Lord Bitchiwitch and the kidnap of one of your Sue Hunters, I must insist that I am kept fully informed of all Sue Hunter business. Please send me the files of all ongoing Sue Hunter activities on a regular basis. I will expect the first files tonight._

_Yours sincerely,_

_His Royal Highness, The Nerd King_

When the files arrived that night, the Nerd King handed them to the owner of the mysterious voice, still with the same, glassy expression in his eyes. The mysterious person smiled smugly as they leafed through the files. The Nerd King just stood there, a blank and slightly dazed expression on his face.

"Excellent." the mysterious person said, who henceforth shall be known as...MP. MP laid a hand on the Nerd King's shoulder. "Now, I want you to listen very carefully, and do exactly as I tell you. Understand?"

"Yes, master." said the Nerd King.

* * *

And there we have it! I hope you enjoyed it, R&R etc etc. 


	2. 2 Mysterious Mysteries

OK!! Sue Hunter time! Sorry for the loooooong wait between chapters, life has been pretty hectic. Harry Potter is not mine, wah. Enjoy!

* * *

The next day, when Annie's class had finally stopped throwing things around and were sitting quietly (well, relatively) in their places, the classroom door opened gently. Everyone fell silent. Their teacher, Mr Jamesson, was famous for ripping latecomers to bits, and they were eager to watch the show.

"Come in!" he snapped. "Don't just stand there hovering about!"

"Oh, right." said a soft, melodious voice. The hairs on the back of Annie's neck stood on end. That voice was wrong...

A young girl entered the classroom. All the boys' mouths fell open.

The girl had long, black hair that was soft, sleek and shiny and tied back in a low, loose ponytail. Her eyes were large and brown, and she had the kind of figure that Hollywood A-listers would kill for. For some very obscure reason, the uniform that looked drab and frumpy on every other girl looked sophisticated and elegant on her. Every boy in the room had his eyes almost glued to her chest, but she appeared not to have noticed, as her eyes were demurely cast downwards.

Annie immediately decided that she hated her. But then, a worse thought crept into her mind. What if this girl was...a Sue?

"And you would be..." said Mr Jamesson.

"Ethel Thropwort."

No, Annie decided. Definitely not a Sue.

* * *

After school, Jake and Annie were sitting in an empty classroom. Annie was pouring over a Physics textbook and trying to explain Newton's Principles of Motion while Jake was scribbling something on a piece of paper, his tongue between his teeth.

"So what that means is...Jake, what are you doing?" said Annie, as Jake reached for the coloured pens.

Jake flushed red. "Er...Physics! What else?" he said, shoving the piece of paper out of sight.

"Don't be stupid, Jake. Physics doesn't require colouring pens."

"It...could do..."

Annie leaned over and snatched the paper from under a pile of books. Jake made a grab for it, but missed. Annie glanced at the paper and then blushed scarlet. A horrible, cold feeling began to settle in the pit of her stomach.

"It's not what you think!" garbled Jake. "I was just...just practising my drawing..."

Annie gave him a long, hard glare and slammed the drawing down onto the table. Jake had drawn Ethel Thropwort's smiling face, and covered the rest of the paper with little hearts. He had the courtesy to look embarrassed and avoid Annie's eyes.

"We're _supposed_ to be doing Physics, Jake. _How_ am I supposed to teach you if you spend the whole time drawing some bint? You need to concentrate!"

"She's not "some bint", she's Ethel Thropwort. Why don't you like her? It's not as if she's done anything to you."

Annie felt fury and jealousy well up inside her. "I don't trust her." she said quietly. "There's something about her which seems...wrong." _And,_ she added safely inside her head, _you're practically head over heels for her and you've only known her for a day. Why can't that happen with me?_

Jake snorted in contempt. "You're just jealous."

"_Of what?_" said Annie, in a voice of deadly quiet.

Jake realised what he'd just said. "I-I didn't mean it like that!"

"No, Jake. I'm all ears. _Do_ tell me why I'm jealous."

"Annie...please..."

"What's the matter? Sudden amnesia?"

"Listen, I'm sorry..."

"Then for God's sake engage your brain next time you open your mouth!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Good God, do I really have to spell it out for you?"

"I'm not stupid, Annie!"

"Oh really?" she said, laughing cruelly.

"Yeah! You're the one who's acting stupid! Getting all worked up just because I was drawing a picture instead of concentrating on this crap! Why's it so important to you?!" Jake yelled, standing up.

Annie glared at him, her face burning. She opened her mouth to say something, couldn't find the words, and closed it again. Jake smirked at her.

"Shall we continue, dear teacher?" he said sarcastically.

Annie sighed and shook her head, feeling the fire of anger ebb away inside her.

"You just don't get it, do you?" she said quietly.

And then, Annie's watch began to beep insistently.

* * *

When they arrived at Sue Hunter HQ, they were immediately ushered into the boss's office by ashen-faced Sue Hunters. As soon as they were bundled into the office, the door shut behind them with a snap and they heard the sounds of many people scuttling away from the door.

"Jake. Annie." said the boss. The room was dark and dingy, as always, but the boss's face was underlit by the light from the TV screen, showing up his terrible complexion.

"I-Is there a problem, sir?" asked Annie, feeling slightly nervous.

"Yesterday, you went to Hogwarts to get rid of...K'triina Lobelia Emerealde Erphinxx Necrophilia Evans-Xerxes the Third." he said, pausing as he looked down at a piece of paper to remember the Sue's name. "You saw nothing out of place, so reported it as a troll and came home. Correct?"

"Yes sir." said Annie. Jake was feeling too moody to talk.

"Then how do you explain this?" said the boss, turning the TV screen to face them.

Hogwarts had been transformed into an enormous, glittering castle made of white crystal, and fluffy animals played around the entrance to the castle. Annie's mouth fell open in horror and disbelief.

"But...but...that's impossible!" she stuttered.

"Jesus Christ!" muttered Jake, staring at the sparkly castle and shuddering.

"You have to believe us; when we were sent in it didn't look like that. You saw the footage yourself."

"This is why I'm so worried." said the boss, taking off his nerd glasses and massaging the bridge of his nose. "I want you to go back to Hogwarts. Go inside the castle, interact with some of the people - main chracters, mind you - and video the whole thing. Bring the tape back here for analysis. The best we can hope for is an equipment malfunction, but if the Sues have got past our surveillance system..."

The sentence was left hanging in the air, rather like a corpse swinging from a hangman's noose.

"We'll leave right away." said Annie, her eyes wide and frightened.

* * *

After a flash of blinding light, Jake and Annie were standing in the bushes outside Hogwarts, equipped with a video camera and looking very grim. All traces of their former animosity had disappeared, but they were replaced with wide-eyed anxiousness.

"I don't understand!" panicked Annie, as she straightened up and her eyes fell on the castle. "How could this...how...what?"

Instead of the giant, white, crystalline castle they had seen on the TV screen, they saw Hogwarts.

Just as it always had been.

Jake and Annie exchanged confused glances.

"Something's not right." said Annie, stepping out of the bush. "I'll take the camera, you wave the gun around."

Jake smiled tersely and clutched at the gun protectively. "Let's do this."

Annie rolled her eyes.

* * *

The slightly grainy picture fuzzed into focus. The picture jolted up and down as the sound of Annie smacking the top of the camera emerged from the speakers of an enormous computer at which a tired and dishevelled Whatshisface sat. He was watching Jake and Annie's footage of Hogwarts for the seventh time, frantically picking his brains for anything that could explain the strange occurrences at Hogwarts.

"Is it working?" asked Jake. The camera swivelled in his direction and his face filled the screen.

"I think so." said Annie. Jake grinned cheesily at the camera.

"If there's any good shots of me do you think I can use the footage as my Myspace picture?"

Annie laughed in disbelief. "Let's just get on with it, shall we?"

The camera swung around again, and the picture began to move down a corridor. The sound of Jake and Annie's footsteps echoed around the stone walls.

"Entering the Great Hall now." said Annie.

The door opened to reveal the Great Hall of Hogwarts, looking as it always did - five long tables, one for the teachers, four for the students - and with no-one with hair that "cascaded over her shoulders like an autumn sunrise", which are actually pretty dull and drab, when you think of all the rain you usually get in autumn.

Anyway.

The camera moved up and down the Gryffindor table, as Annie's voice said "The fic takes place in Harry's seventh year, and according to canon, neither Harry, Ron or Hermione are present." The camera swung towards the staff table. "Canonically, Dumbledore is dead and Snape is headmaster. Harry, Ron and Hermione are not here. Snape sits at the head of the table. We are about to go into the grounds in order to get some footage of Dumbledore's tomb."

Whatshisface sighed and banged his head against the keyboard in frustration, inadvertantly fast forwarding the tape. There was more - they talked to McGonagall, Snape, Ginny Weasley. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Hogwarts seemed to be functioning as it should be.

Whatshisface raised his head to look bleakly at the computer screen. He froze. He leaned forward eagerly, squinting at the pixellated image on the screen. His eyes widened. Frantically, he scrabbled for a phone.

And stopped dead.

Something cold and hard was pressing into the back of his neck. Slowly, Whatshisface raised his hands in the air.

"I don't want any trouble." he said, his mouth dry.

The mysterious person - MP - chuckled darkly. "You won't be."

Suddenly, there was a click and Whatshisface felt electricity coursing through his body. He shook like a leaf in a thunderstorm and saw bolts of pink lightening dart across his chest. The force of the electricity was enough to lift him bodily in the air. He screamed in pain, and the mysterious person laughed.

There was another click, the electricity disappeared, and Whatshisface fell in a crumpled heap on the floor. The mysterious person was still chuckling slightly.

Slowly, Whatshisface raised himself to his feet, still shaking.

"Now, I want you to listen carefully to everything I say. You will obey every order I give you. You will not remember any of these meetings, just the orders I give you. Is that clear?"

"Yes, master." mumbled Whatshisface.

* * *

R&R! Thankee muchly.


End file.
